"Coming Out" as Vegan to Family and Friends: It's a Process, Not Just an Announcement
by Sherry Jeppson Zitter
"It's so hard to be vegan in this culture!" is one
of the most common feelings I hear expressed by fellow vegans.
Many of us
have sought vegan Meet-Ups or other groups as a way to find support and not
feel too isolated or weird. As a clinical social worker/psychotherapist,
I've worked with vegan clients to help them combat the barriers they
often feel in a non-vegan world, the emotions that arise when around
those enthusiastically eating meat, and how to handle their own
reactions.
Some
considering a vegan lifestyle may be daunted or deterred by these many
challenges. Perhaps some of the
strategies below, and those shared in response by readers, may give you hope on
your own personal journey toward a more plant-based diet.
My goal
with this column is to begin a dialogue within our community, a sharing
of ideas, approaches and stories about what has worked for a variety of
vegans -- as well as
experiences that have not been so successful. We are a diverse bunch, so
what works for some of us will not be the right approach for
others. By brainstorming together, we may come up with a continuum
of self-care and responses and learn where each of us fits best at a
particular time in our vegan journey.
ROSE AND HER NON-VEGAN FAMILY
Rose (not
her real name) comes from a large Jewish family that loves to eat. Most of
their gatherings focus around Jewish or secular holidays that serve traditional
non-vegan food. Thanksgiving (centering around a dead turkey) and Passover
(involving a roasted lamb shankbone) are the most challenging holiday meals for
her.
Rose's
family's reactions when she "came out" to them as vegan ranged from
"Why would you want to do THAT?! Aren't you taking things a bit too
far?"
(her older sister) to "Honey, that's so unhealthy! How will you get enough
protein?" (her mom) to mocking from her younger brother: "Oh, here
comes the lofty animal hero! Look, Rose, you're too late to save this meat
loaf!!"
At first,
Rose felt so isolated and judged by her family that she found herself making
excuses to skip family gatherings. But she soon missed the warmth of her
close-knit family and searched for ways to overcome this sudden barrier to
connecting with them.
ADVANCE PLANNING
Rose sought
out resources that explained the health benefits of a vegan diet clearly and
simply, and brought them with her to the next holiday. She also offered to
bring a vegan dish full of protein to add to the meal, and made sure it was an
old family recipe adapted with delicious vegan ingredients. She found quotes
from prominent vegans who various family members would respect: Albert
Schweitzer for her scientific dad, Paul McCartney for her Beatles-loving
sister, and Dick Gregory for her civil rights activist mother.
Connecting with
vegan friends before and after this event was a crucial part of Rose's
strategy. She knew which of them were around over the weekend so she could text
or call them for support. She tried not to expect too much change in attitudes,
and resolved not to offer any of her materials unless she was asked.
AT THE FAMILY GATHERING
When her
mother and sister separately brought up concerns for her health or welfare,
Rose responded in a loving way, thanking them for caring about her and giving
verbal responses about ways she manages her health well. Her explanations were
brief, focusing on the specific concerns expressed, and she was careful to
avoid a proselytizing tone.
Rose then
offered written materials in a low-key way, which they each accepted. She asked
if either of them had read or heard about any benefits of a vegan diet, and
mentioned how heart problems (her mother's concern) and weight issues (her
sister's) could often be improved just by eating a few more plant-based meals
per week.
Her mother
was still skeptical, but later raved about the vegan version of the family's
chili recipe Rose had brought. Rose resolved to keep adapting superbly
delicious dishes she knows are favorites with her clan. When her sister
expressed more interest, she added a bit about what had brought her to this
decision from an ethical and philosophical standpoint, stressing her love of
animals that her sister shared.
Her
prankster brother was more challenging for Rose. When he began his perennial
teasing, she took a deep breath and teased him back gently: "So are you
the marathoner-wannabe who hasn't even heard of all the Vegan
Ironmen?"
"Really!?"
he said, suddenly interested, and she texted him the link to Brendan Brazier's
and Doug Graham's sites. For the next hour he was reading testimonials by vegan
athletes on his phone.
ROSE'S STRATEGIES:
Rose
realized two essential truths about family dealings for vegans:
1. I can't change their reactions, but I can change
my response to their reactions; and
2. I won't expect to change anyone's viewpoint right away;
give them slow, gradual information respectfully over time. Some will adjust;
others won't. She also did her research, exposed them to vegan food that was
close to what they loved, not out of their experience, and lined up support
before, during and after her experience. This enabled her not to get into a war
of words, where there are winners and losers and where people's minds close
rather than open.
TIM AND HIS BASKETBALL FRIENDS
Tim's
friends were laid-back, preferring pick-up games of basketball to philosophical
discussions. When he encouraged trying a new restaurant after a game, rather
than their standard hamburger joint, they shrugged and agreed. But once in the
restaurant, several of them began reacting to the large vegetarian portion of
the menu: "Sprouts?! Yea, man, I love 'em - NOT!" "Hey, this
place doesn't even have a bacon cheeseburger!" and "So Tim,
where's the real food?!"
Tim
realized he had made a mistake. Since they hadn't ordered yet, he suggested they
go back to their old haunt, and he ordered a salad. His friends were puzzled
and he told them simply that he wasn't eating meat or cheese anymore. When they
asked why, he told them that cows and chickens created global warming and used
up a lot of land hungry people could use for food.
John was
amazed: "You mean you're becoming a Leftie? You really think skipping your
chicken wings will save the world, huh?!" Mike wrinkled his nose:
"You're getting soft - your jump shot will suffer soon. C'mon, just one
bite of my burger ain't gonna hurt ya!" He led the table in a cheer of
"Without meat, your meal is not complete! Yum, yum, yum!!"
Tim tried
to laugh this away, but his stomach was churning with anger and frustration.
How could he possibly make his friends even begin to understand? No clever
retort came to mind. After a few minutes, he managed to change the subject.
Somehow, he made it through the meal and went home to think.
NOT-SO-INSTANT REPLAY, WITH CARE
Tim began
to realize he would need to see his change through the eyes of his friends in
order for them to understand. He printed out some stories of vegan Ironmen to
bring to the next game, and a few of his friends were curious when he showed
them in a casual way. He brought ripe avocados to their usual restaurant,
adding one into his salad but also passing some around to the guys. After
attending some vegan Meet-ups and getting support and advice, he found some
jokes that poked fun of people who were too zealous about one way of eating.
During the next wave of teasing, he was able to laugh at himself with them
without altering his decision or his eating. Without any reaction from
him, the teasing gradually diminished.
After a few
months of developing a plan, the next restaurant Tim suggested -- he had tested
it first! -- had thick mouth-watering portabella burgers with
"analog" Daiya soy cheese and Lightlife tempeh "Fakin'
Bacon" on it. And after one game, he invited the group back to his
apartment to have snacks and watch a movie. Before the film, he showed a
trailer on "The Engine 2 Diet," authored by vegan fireman and athlete
Rip Esselstyn. Rip had helped a co-worker at the firehouse avoid a heart attack
or stroke by lowering his dangerously high cholesterol with man-filling vegan
food. He tells the story of how everyone at the station had changed to a
plant-based diet, lost weight, felt stronger and healthier.
That night,
Tim served vegan snacks from Rip's creations and got very positive, although
still bantering, responses. It's a process, he kept reminding himself. When he
casually offered to lend anyone Esselstyn's book, 3 guys got in line to read
it.
TIM'S STRATEGIES
Tim learned several crucial approaches to dealing with
in-your-face friends:
1. Have patience. Ask your friends to make small steps;
respecting where they are starting from and offering them ways to laugh with an
open mind assists in accepting different ways of thinking.
2. Give them knowledge that meshes with their interests and
intrigues them.
3. Be able to laugh at yourself, respectfully.
4. Offer resources and yummy food they are somewhat familiar
with, or mimics what they are familiar with, in laid-back ways.
5. Expect attitude change to be slow and don't push.
Many of us
live in areas where we know few other vegans. We work to find ways to get
support or to feel accepted for who we are and what we believe -- as well as
what we eat and do not eat. Change is slow at times, in ourselves and others;
we can find ways to deal with the "two steps forward, one step back"
experiences that life presents to us with grace and courage. Our dilemmas are
made so much easier through community, and we want Vegan Villager to
be a source of ideas and inspiration for all our readers.
First printed in Vegan Villager 2013: veganvillager.com
